Giving Feedback – What You Do Before and After Is Key

Over the years, I’ve had hundreds, if not thousands, of conversations with coachees on how to exchange feedback effectively. Each story is different. And yet, my coaching questions are aimed at drawing out their reflections around four important areas: intention, curiosity, assumptions, and the art of saying something that matters in a way that lands well.

Here is one example.

Maria is a line manager. One of her direct reports, Jacob, is responsible for onboarding his team to a new digital platform. Maria has observed Jacob trying to explain technical processes to his team several times. She’s noticed something that gives her pause: Jacob repeatedly uses the phrase, “It’s simple.”

To Maria, this feels off. She knows that what’s ‘simple’ to Jacob might be anything but simple to someone else. She worries that this phrase might be having an unintended impact –  discouraging or even embarrassing his team members.

Maria wants to give Jacob feedback. Here’s how we approached it together.

Step 1: Clarify Your Intention

Before offering feedback, it’s essential to pause and ask yourself: Why am I giving this feedback?

If the intention is to support the other person to raise awareness, help them grow, strengthen their leadership, or improve team dynamics, then you’re on the right track. But if the impulse stems from frustration, or a desire to ‘set the record straight’, it’s time to take a breath. Feedback that serves the giver more than the receiver rarely lands well.

Maria’s intention is clear: she wants Jacob to become a more effective team leader. She cares about his success and about the confidence and well-being of his team.

Step 2: Check Your Assumptions

This step is often skipped, and it shouldn’t be.

When someone does something that doesn’t sit right with us, it’s easy to assign motives. “He says ‘It’s simple’ to feel superior.” “He wants to show how smart he is.”

But what if there’s another explanation?

What if Jacob genuinely believes he’s being encouraging? What if he’s unaware of how that phrase might land? What if this is simply (no pun intended) a blind spot?

Effective feedback begins with hypotheses, not conclusions. We discussed how Maria could stay open, even curious, about Jacob’s perspective.

Step 3: Gain Permission

It’s tempting to jump in with: “We need to talk about how you’re treating your team.” Yet that approach puts the receiver on the defensive before the conversation even begins.

Instead, Maria practiced some neutral, respectful openers that give Jacob a choice and signal that this is a two-way dialogue:

• “There’s something I noticed while you were onboarding Sam. Would you be open to hearing it?”
• “I have a thought that might help with how you’re bringing the team up to speed. Would you find that useful?”
• “Would you like some feedback that might help increase your team’s engagement?”

Most people say "yes" when approached this way.

Step 4: Use the SBI Framework

One of my go-to models for feedback comes from the Center for Creative Leadership: Situation – Behavior – Impact.

Here’s how Maria planned her message:

• Situation:  “Yesterday, I was observing you as you explained the new platform to Sam.”
• Behavior:  “I heard you say ‘It’s simple’ three times during that exchange.”
• Impact:  “I felt uncomfortable for Sam. He looked like he was struggling to follow, and I wondered if he might be feeling inadequate. My concern is that this phrase might cause team members to feel discouraged or even to shut down.”

The tone here matters just as much as the content: calm, non-judgmental, and curious.

Step 5: Listen with Curiosity

“What are your thoughts?”

Maria will be eager to hear what Jacob has to say. Feedback is not a monologue, but the start of a conversation.

That conversation may immediately follow the sharing of feedback, or, it may not. Sometimes the receiver needs time for the feedback to land, and to reflect, before discussing.

Jacob might respond to Maria’s feedback in any number of ways. He might say, “That wasn’t my intention at all!” Or, “I didn’t realize I was saying it.” Or, as he did in this case: “I just get frustrated when they don’t pick things up quickly. I feel like they should be able to handle this.”

This is where the coaching continues.

Step 6: Co-Create a Way Forward

Maria and I explored several possible scenarios regarding what might be going on:

• Is it possible the expectations are too high for the team’s current skill level?
• Could Jacob improve his own explanation techniques to be more clear?
• Might a different training method such as peer coaching, visuals, or job aids be more effective?
• Is there any underlying resistance to the new platform that’s making learning more difficult?

By the end of our session, Maria felt prepared to open the conversation with Jacob; not just to deliver feedback, but to explore together what might be going on beneath the surface.

Feedback, along with the preparation before and the discussion that follows, is not a performance review. It’s not about pointing fingers or making a case. It’s about helping someone see something they may not have seen before and inviting them to reflect, adjust, and grow.